Alone

First of all, I wanted to say thank you so much for your comments. I really appreciate them, and they help me feel more comfortable with myself and with sharing things on my blog.

Right now, its 11:53p on Friday night. Its the Father and Sons camp out with our ward. This is the first year Jon has taken both boys. Making this, the first night I have been literally alone since before we were married. Lemme tell ya, its weird. There have been nights here and there and in a row where Jon has to go on scout camp outs and out of town for work, or has taken just Zac to Father and Sons. But I have always had someone here with me.

I honestly, feel less anxious than I have before. Last summer, there was a night where I couldn't get to sleep before 4:00a because I was so stressed that someone would break in or that something bad would happen and I wouldn't know what to do, and help the boys.  I did everything I could think of to calm my mind down so I could sleep.

I'm not sure what makes tonight different. I went to dinner with Denise, a friend I met back in middle school, who happens to live 5 minutes from me now. And who I haven't seen in a few years. Then we watched a chick flick at her beautiful house that she is renting. It was fun to catch up and relaxing. Then I came home. Normally, before I leave on an evening where Jon is gone, I lock all the windows and turn some lights on so I don't come home to a dark house. Well, I did neither of those tonight. But still I feel relatively calm. Maybe its that I don't have kids here to worry about, maybe its because I live next to a sheriff, maybe its because I live in a smaller town, maybe its because during the summer every window in the house is open all night, maybe because my room is upstairs. Whatever the reason, I am grateful for it.

Even still, I won't be posting this til tomorrow . . .

Well, it's 5:46am. I guess I wasn't as calm as I thought. I generally haven't slept very well at this house; I'm not sure why. But two bad dreams tonight/this morning make things harder. I hate the tangible, physical wave of tense anxiety that starts in my chest then shoots through my entire body when I hear unfamiliar sounds. I need a bat. It's surprisingly still dark here. I'm waiting for the dawn so hopefully I can get more restful sleep. I'll read for a while.